And so it begins.

I've never been very good at starting things. Whether it be a book, piece of coursework or a sandwich, I just can't figure out which bit to do first (When I say "do", it applies to the book and coursework sort of stuff. I don't "do" sandwiches. I do warm bagels).

So I guess I'll just start with a random topic. It would make sense for me to write about what made me want to write a blog in the first place, so people could know what I thought about it without me annoying the hell out of every single one of my friends on Facebook with endless status updates. So I'll write about Kick Ass.

It has everything. Violence, sex, swearing (more on that in a bit) and a decent soundtrack. It revels in it's own absurdity, and doesn't pull ANY punches. In my blogs I've got a strict no spoiler policy, so what I'll do is give you a scene or something to look out for using an innocuous word or phrase, so you'll know when you see it. The scene that really caught me off guard was the "web cast" scene. I was just sat in the theatre, chilling, enjoying the film then BOOM! The kind of violence that instantly answers why the director took the production out of the studio system. There is no way in hell the pussies at Paramount or Universal would have allowed this film to happen.

That's what I really love about this film. The director, Matthew Vaughn (who also directed Stardust and Layer Cake) actually cared enough about the source material enough to finance the film himself so he could do whatever the hell he wanted without a bunch of suits trying to shift Happy Meals breathing down his neck. You won't be seeing a Hit Girl action figure breaking within minutes at Maccie D's, I assure you.

Ah yes, Hit Girl. Arguably the films most controversial aspect, so she's my favourite. I had the pleasure of sitting right at the back when I went to see Kick Ass, so I had the added entertainment of seeing every ones shoulders bunch up when she said "cunt", or blew a kiss to Kick Ass. It's almost as good as the film, and I'd recommend it to anybody. Kick Ass is the culmination of every Daily Mail reader's worst nightmares (which, as far as I know, boil down to violence, swearing, fun and immigrants. She's not an immigrant though) and that's exactly why she's destined to be a cult character. She sums up one of the things the movie, whether intentionally or not, really gets across: IT'S JUST A MOVIE, RELAX. If you don't find an 11 year old girl killing a room full of criminals with a giant sword, set to a rock and roll version of "that Banarama song" awesome, then don't go see the movie. And stop reading this blog, because I love that shit.

Don't get me wrong though, Kick Ass isn't just ultra-violence and shock-mongering. It's got it's fair sure of humour, "Oh daddy, it looks even cooler than it did in the picture" "that's because it didn't have Gatling guns on it sweetie".

It's got a great scene near the start when Kick Ass gets properly stuck into crime fighting, saving a guy from 3 muscled thugs. As he's stood over the man, defending him and obviously rapping his pants, you can see a building full of people behind him who are just filming the whole thing on their camera phones. Not helping. Just spectating. It sums up the whole ethos of being a costumed hero, while everyone else is running in terror or just watching shit go down, the real hero does something.

Vaughn doesn't disappoint in the style department either, giving us some of the best looking shots I've seen recently. There's one in particular that had me totally dumbstruck. I'm not gonna spoiler it, I'll just say "strobe". It's the bit that earns the film it epilepsy warning, but to be honest, if I was epileptic I'd take my chances, it's that good. Just jam a bit of wood between your teeth before you go in so you don't bite your tongue off. You'll need it later to tell all your mates to go see the movie.

There are however some small criticisms I have to make. The big fight at the end (I don't think that's a spoiler to be honest, it's an action film after all) isn't as big as the other scenes in the movie. It is hilarious though. I'll just say "rocket launcher". The grand finale is equally as good, and is the kind of distilled awesomeness I'd like to see more in movies. It's the kind of thing that puts a stupid grin on your face and a cold sweat on your back.
The movie does feel like it's lost direction at a few points, but soon picks up and makes up for lost time. With interest.

Moving on to music:

Mumford & Sons. I'm gonna be honest: I find folk music a painfully dull thing, and Mumford & Sons are, without a doubt, folk artists. They can make all the effort in the world to try and make folk "cool", but at the end of the day, folk is beige, folk is tweed, folk is bales of hay. Folk is, at it's very core, dull. It's all acoustic and gentle and rough around the edges and DULL.

But this is where Mumford & Sons finds it's redeeming feature. It IS folk, but not as we know it. It's Radio 1 friendly, yet it retains all the things folk is. There is no Auto tune to the unpolished vocals, there is no studio trickery. It's old school baby. Folk can never be cool. If Lady Gaga and Kanye made an acoustic album about ducks, hats and rivers in various combinations tomorrow, folk would still not be cool. But Mumford & Sons try their goddamn best, and even though it doesn't succeed, they've dragged folk into the 21st century. And that's a hell of an achievement. And that's why I like them.

This is the bit at the end where I'll talk about a book I've read, so in other words it'll be the bit where most people stop reading (actually, most people would have stopped reading halfway through the Kick Ass review, so well done for making it this far):

I read a book about a year ago called The Zombie Survival Guide. It's by this guy called Max Brooks, and he's also written a book called World War Z: An Oral History Of The Zombie War (I'll review it in the next blog).

Now you'd expect a book with that sort of title to be about an inch thick, have nice colourful pictures of zombies getting dicked on by a cartoon rabbit and for it to be sold at the checkout at Waterstones, to be bought as a nice bit of tat to bang on your coffee table and maybe have a flip through when your bored. You know, like that book of bunnies topping themselves and that one about the stupid shit stupid children ask sometimes. It really isn't.

It is written as if you are mere seconds away from getting molested by your dead grandma. It recommends weaponry, tells you not to be a moron and use a machine gun and in one especially decent chapter that you should keep a generator in your house to keep your electricity going during a Level 3 Outbreak. But it can't make a lot of noise so it should be powered by an exercise bike or something of the sort. This book has everything covered basically. It is not "shoot it in the fucking head you dummy" repeated in different ways over 300 pages. I can guarantee it will tell you something you hadn't though of. I now keep a pool cue by my bed at night, just in case there's a Level 1 Outbreak in the middle of the night and I have to jab some fucker in the eye. It's the sort of book that will make you do something "just in case". There will always be something in the back of your mind telling you that you should really go to Homebase sometime and buy a machete, because lets face it, this books a bestseller now, and your gonna look a bit of a tool with your frying pan when the zombies do get here.

Thanks to anyone who read this, please feel free to tell me what you liked, what sucked balls, what should be cut out and what you want more of.